Success…Without the Stress

In Goal-Free Living I discuss a powerful technique for increasing your creativity: standing in someone else’s shoes. The idea being, that when you “make believe” you are someone else, you begin to see the world through their eyes. You become that other person. At a recent speech, one young woman in attendance – someone who recently graduated from high school — shared a personal story that illustrates the incredible power of this approach.

She told the story of a time when she needed to take an important math test. Math was never one of her strong subjects, so she was concerned. Overly concerned. In the time leading up to the test, she became increasingly stressed with the goal of doing well. This is not surprising. We put incredible pressure on students to perform well on these tests. The stress was overwhelming. Halfway through the exam, she walked out. She could not handle the pressure.

One week before I met her, she was given the opportunity to take the test again. This time, instead of being overly worried, she decided to turn the exam into a game — a very goal-free approach. She walked into the examination room making believe she was Condoleezza Rice, the United States Secretary of State — a very successful and highly educated woman. Standing in her shoes, she had incredible confidence. Dr. Rice wouldn’t worry, right? So she didn’t worry. The result of playing this game? She received a 90% — something beyond her wildest expectations.

When we get overly focused on the goal, we create stress. By turning everything we do into a game – something kids do naturally – we create success without the effort.

The Unexpected Exceeds Expectations

I have been on the road for 3 weeks and am now back in Boston for 10 days before hitting the road again. The tour has been great fun so far! I want to share with you a recent experience from my travels.

On the morning of Friday, January 20th, I drove 9 hours from Virginia to Hilton Head, SC. Getting there was a 4 hour diversion from my original Washington DC to Atlanta travel plans. But my PR firm arranged for a 30 minute television interview with the local independent station there. The opportunity seemed to justify the extra travel. After the long drive, I arrived at the studios at 4:45PM; 15 minutes before the scheduled start. The studios were pitch black. No one was there. Did I have the wrong date? The wrong time? After a few phone calls, I discovered that the studio messed up. Although they could not pull together a camera crew before I had to leave the next day, they said that would try to pull something together after my Atlanta gigs – on my way back to Boston.

Instead of getting upset about the mix up, I chose to accept it as an opportunity for something new to show up.

For dinner that evening, I chose a restaurant where I might be able to meet some locals. I sat at the bar — a nice open space. I started speaking with the woman sitting next to me, Kerrie. We hit it off and went for a drink afterwards. We agreed to get together and paint the town red when (if) I returned for the TV shoot. Now I had a reason to return; I was glad for the mix-up with the TV studio.

Fast forward to Wednesday, the day I drove back to Hilton Head from Atlanta. As I made the 4 hour drive, I got a call from Kerrie. She needed to leave town unexpectedly; she became an aunt a month earlier than anticipated. We would not have a chance to get together.

Again, instead of getting upset, I decided to find other opportunity.

Kerrie & I talked about going to a piano bar that just opened up the month before. I decided to go there on my own. I had an amazing time. Scott, the piano play is incredibly talented. The people in the bar were so much fun. I hung out there until 2AM having the best time. As the bar was closing, Scott asked if I would be interested in golfing the next day. I was, and so we did. It was a spectacular day on an Arnold Palmer designed golf course, which we had to ourselves. Heavenly. That evening I returned to the piano bar to listen to wonderful music and hang out with my new friends.

If I were in Hilton Head solely for the goal of doing the TV show, I might have been disappointed (we did tape the show upon my return). Or, if I gone back with the expectation of getting together with Kerrie, I certainly would have been disappointed – we never did meet up. However, in spite of all of that, it turned out to be the most fun I have had in a long time! New opportunities appear when we are not too attached to our original goals.

What’s Your Theme For the Next Year?

In an earlier blog post, I discussed setting aspiration-based themes rather than goal-based resolutions.

What is your theme for the next year? In 2006, mine was “impact” — making a difference in the world.

Friends of mine had generosity, partnership, grace, health, “me”, new beginnings, adventure, and unpredictability.

Please post your theme as a comment. Thank you for sharing your inspiring stories!

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