Goal-Free Living Mind Map

A book reader in Australia, Marie Farrugia, developed a mind map outline of the book for use as an easy reference guide. Click here to download her handiwork. Thanks Marie.

Success…Without the Stress

In Goal-Free Living I discuss a powerful technique for increasing your creativity: standing in someone else’s shoes. The idea being, that when you “make believe” you are someone else, you begin to see the world through their eyes. You become that other person. At a recent speech, one young woman in attendance – someone who recently graduated from high school — shared a personal story that illustrates the incredible power of this approach.

She told the story of a time when she needed to take an important math test. Math was never one of her strong subjects, so she was concerned. Overly concerned. In the time leading up to the test, she became increasingly stressed with the goal of doing well. This is not surprising. We put incredible pressure on students to perform well on these tests. The stress was overwhelming. Halfway through the exam, she walked out. She could not handle the pressure.

One week before I met her, she was given the opportunity to take the test again. This time, instead of being overly worried, she decided to turn the exam into a game — a very goal-free approach. She walked into the examination room making believe she was Condoleezza Rice, the United States Secretary of State — a very successful and highly educated woman. Standing in her shoes, she had incredible confidence. Dr. Rice wouldn’t worry, right? So she didn’t worry. The result of playing this game? She received a 90% — something beyond her wildest expectations.

When we get overly focused on the goal, we create stress. By turning everything we do into a game – something kids do naturally – we create success without the effort.

Goal-Free Dating

Valentine’s Day is here. A time of celebration for some. A day of great emptiness for others. Think about the pressure that men and women 25+ put on themselves when it comes to dating. They have convinced themselves that they will be happy when they are in a relationship. That the right person will “complete” them.

It’s not only about finding the perfect date, but finding the perfect venue, getting perfect weather, wearing the perfect outfit and having the perfect conversation – one that more often than not ends up being forced, formal and frustrating!

Well, take a breather from it all, Valentine’s Day or not! Dating is like the romanticism of travel. Prior to a vacation, there is imagery of perfect weather, fabulous food, lots of rest and reading, etc. Fast forward into the trip after two days without your luggage (including your raincoat), the rooster that has perched itself out of your “ground-level-overlooking-the-parking lot-room” window, and you’d like to sic some of your own revenge on this Montezuma person!!

The solution? Stop romanticizing the future. Live in the here and now. Appreciate yourself first. Then relax about the whole dating thing. Here are a few tips to help:

1. Stop romanticizing: Instead of going into each date worried about perfecting it so as to secure “this one” being “the one” approach it from the standpoint of a fun meal with someone you may learn a thing or two from and if at the end you have a friendship or more out of it, then it was a success.

2. Stop trying: When you are on a date, do not worry about the next date. Instead, just enjoy the other person’s company…for that moment. You will come across as more genuine and less desperate. This, ironically, increases your chances of getting that second date.

3. Stop doing: Instead of signing up for 40 different online dating sites, going on 90 dates in 30 days, ending up broke & miserable – and still without a relationship, let it go. Go to events without the goal of meeting your spouse. Rather go there to have a good time and to meet new people.

4. Appreciate yourself: One woman I met in my travels “married” herself several years ago. The purpose was to continually remind her of her commitment to doing for herself what she would do for a spouse. She would love, make time for, and respect herself. Only after having this type of relationship with herself could she begin to have a similar relationship with a man.

This year, have the best time and the best relationships during Valentine’s Day by being goal-free.

The Unexpected Exceeds Expectations

I have been on the road for 3 weeks and am now back in Boston for 10 days before hitting the road again. The tour has been great fun so far! I want to share with you a recent experience from my travels.

On the morning of Friday, January 20th, I drove 9 hours from Virginia to Hilton Head, SC. Getting there was a 4 hour diversion from my original Washington DC to Atlanta travel plans. But my PR firm arranged for a 30 minute television interview with the local independent station there. The opportunity seemed to justify the extra travel. After the long drive, I arrived at the studios at 4:45PM; 15 minutes before the scheduled start. The studios were pitch black. No one was there. Did I have the wrong date? The wrong time? After a few phone calls, I discovered that the studio messed up. Although they could not pull together a camera crew before I had to leave the next day, they said that would try to pull something together after my Atlanta gigs – on my way back to Boston.

Instead of getting upset about the mix up, I chose to accept it as an opportunity for something new to show up.

For dinner that evening, I chose a restaurant where I might be able to meet some locals. I sat at the bar — a nice open space. I started speaking with the woman sitting next to me, Kerrie. We hit it off and went for a drink afterwards. We agreed to get together and paint the town red when (if) I returned for the TV shoot. Now I had a reason to return; I was glad for the mix-up with the TV studio.

Fast forward to Wednesday, the day I drove back to Hilton Head from Atlanta. As I made the 4 hour drive, I got a call from Kerrie. She needed to leave town unexpectedly; she became an aunt a month earlier than anticipated. We would not have a chance to get together.

Again, instead of getting upset, I decided to find other opportunity.

Kerrie & I talked about going to a piano bar that just opened up the month before. I decided to go there on my own. I had an amazing time. Scott, the piano play is incredibly talented. The people in the bar were so much fun. I hung out there until 2AM having the best time. As the bar was closing, Scott asked if I would be interested in golfing the next day. I was, and so we did. It was a spectacular day on an Arnold Palmer designed golf course, which we had to ourselves. Heavenly. That evening I returned to the piano bar to listen to wonderful music and hang out with my new friends.

If I were in Hilton Head solely for the goal of doing the TV show, I might have been disappointed (we did tape the show upon my return). Or, if I gone back with the expectation of getting together with Kerrie, I certainly would have been disappointed – we never did meet up. However, in spite of all of that, it turned out to be the most fun I have had in a long time! New opportunities appear when we are not too attached to our original goals.

Goal-Free Creative Blogging

A friend of mine, Jason Bates, mentioned that his approach to blogging is very goal-free. Here’s what he said:

When I started blogging, it took real effort. I had set myself a goal of writing a blog post a day, and so I spent a good deal of time sitting at a keyboard thinking “What should I write.” I had this idea that I had to know what I was going to write before I wrote it. So I’d do a little ‘essay plan’ and then translate this into something that was more polished. I soon discovered that this wasn’t only a boring process for me, but it was also (from my lack of readers) pretty boring for people to read… it seemed to lack spark. I turned in despair to a friend who was a successful blogger who gave me this advice:This is a wonderfully creative way to write. Rather than thinking through the structure and content intellectually, you allow the words to flow in unpredictable ways.

“If you don’t surprise and entertain yourself with what you are writing… your audience won’t be surprised or entertained either! It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be you!”

Wow! It really hit me… and that day I started a blog post with a thought, but no idea as to where it would take me, and that’s how I’ve written ever since. When it’s going well, the words just flow out of me… surprising me with the unexpected direction. But, you know, I’ve realized that I am blogging now because I enjoy it, rather than to “look good” in front of my audience. It’s a very different feeling!

Of course I have to spell check, and reword sometimes… but that’s just cleaning up the insights that appear, it’s a million miles away from planning the piece from the start.

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