GFL on Between the Lines TV

Goal-Free Living has been featured on the PBS TV show “Between the Lines” for quite some time now. It has been slowly making its way around the country. Recently the show aired in Philadelphia. Barry Kibrick, the show’s host, noted in a recent newsletter, “And a special note to all you Philly viewers who wrote about Stephen Shapiro’s Goal-Free Living, you’re not alone. That episode inspired many.”

Want to see the show? Click here to watch the entire 30 minutes in streaming video.

Making Decisions: The Rock, Paper, Scissors Way

Back in July I was a keynote speaker at the Creative Problem Solving Institute. While there, I met Russ Schoen, a fellow creative-type who shared with me a simple, yet powerful technique for making decisions. I am sure that most of you are familiar with the childhood game Rock, Paper, Scissors (RPS). Although I have typically use d this as a means of determining which of two people must complete an undesirable chore, Russ adapted this “decision making” tool to help individuals deal with more significant “life decisions ” . If you are unfamiliar with this game, you can find the rules here.

Here’s how you use it to make decisions that are meaningful to you.:

Step 1: Identify a decision you have been struggling with and boil it down into two distinct options. For example, perhaps you are struggling with how you should proceed in your current relationship. Your two options may be (option 1) continue to date your boyfriend or (option 2) end the relationship

Step 2: Next, find a friend to play RPS. At the conclusion of the game, should YOU win, choose option 1. Should YOUR FRIEND win, choose option 2. For discussion sake, let’s say you win. In our example, the decision would be to continue the relationship.

Step 3: Now, sit with that decision, as though it were a done deal, for 10 minutes. See how you feel. Are you relieved? Do you find yourself saying, “That’s what I really wanted?” Or do you find yourself secretly wishing that the other option were selected? Were you really looking for an excuse to end the relationship? Whatever your gut is telling you during those 10 minutes of sitting with the decision, MAYBE that is the decision you should make.

Step 4: Make a decision. Use whatever method that makes the most sense to you. The RPS approach is not right for every decision. Regardless, it may help nudge you in a particular direction if you are paralyzed by indecisiveness and give you insights into deeper feelings.

The second secret in Goal-Free Living is “Trust That You Are Never Lost.” No matter what decision you make, it is the right decision, if you truly commit to it and never look back. However we often question our choices or avoid making them for fear of choosing incorrectly. For the more “risky” decisions, many opt for the more painful method of straddled the fence, suspending a decision and remaining immobile. The RPS method gives you a fun and simple way of listening to your inner voice getting you off the fence and back into the game of life.

As I like to say, “Although all paths are equal, some paths are more equal than others.” Many of us often find ourselves on paths that bring us success in certain areas of our life. But this success may keep us from recognizing and finding greater opportunities in other areas. Always be open to the possibility of an ‘even more right path.’ Remember that when something doesn’t seem right, it probably isn’t. Learn to ask yourself forward-thinking questions and trust your inner voice; it can provide a wealth of insight for moving forward in a powerful way.

Three Points I Wish I Made Clearer

Once printed, the text in a book never changes. However, the concepts continue to evolve. Therefore, from time to time, I will post my thoughts on how I would say things differently if I were to re-write the book today. Today’s points focus on the clarity of my message; thoughts that are sometimes lost on the reader. To help clarify the points, I am including links to other blog entries that show examples.

Being goal-free is very different than being goal-less. Goal-less is having no purpose or direction in life. Think of it as sitting on your butt eating bon-bons and watching Jerry Springer. This is NOT what it means to be goal-free. Being goal-free is having a sense of direction (not a specific destination), playing full out, and then “meandering with purpose.” Being goal-free does not mean being entirely free from goals. Rather it means being free from the burden of goals that grips so many people. It is about actively participating in life.

Although Goal-Free Living is about having the life you want, the real thrust of the book is success…with less effort. When you are consumed by your goals, you focus on the future rather than being present to what is around you. You become stressed. As a result, you don’t perform your best. All of my studies and examples show that people who “try harder” are often less successful in achieving their “goals.” Sales reps who try the “hard sale” are worse sales people (there are several examples in the book). Students who focus too much on grades get stressed and sub-optimize their test performance (and they miss bigger learning opportunities). Athletes who focus on the “numbers” (batting average, goals, the stop watch) often perform worse than those who are “in the moment”.

Goal-Free Living is not just about career. It is not about “doing what you love and the money will follow.” The goal-free concept applies to every aspect of life from dating to parenting, and vacations to blogging. By being focused on the present, enjoying what you are doing, and being open to new opportunities, success finds you…in all areas of life.

More “Points I Wish I Made Clearer” to come in future blog entries.

Goal-Free Parenting

Here in the United States, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. In honor of our moms, today’s installment is about Goal-Free Parenting.

63% of adults say, “I encourage those that I care about to pursue goals that I think are best for them.” Whose life are your children living? One person I interviewed became wildly successful – and just recently emerged from rehab. His career was “chosen” by his parents, and destroyed his life. We are in an era plagued by the demise of imagination in children, squelching it to the detriment of emotional growth.

Kids today have quickly become the most over micromanaged population of our society. A tongue-in-cheek look into this potentially debilitating trend is the best-seller “The Nanny Diaries” where parents are enrolling not only unborn babies, but not yet conceived babies into “the best” pre-schools in Manhattan, French classes and art history courses. Thus ensuring their future place at Harvard and placement at Morgan Stanley.

The serious side of this parenting micromanagement is that children are being led through life, living someone else’s goals. Why is it that a 3 year old needs his/her own erasable easel with a weekly schedule that includes Yoga for tots and toddler therapy? At what point will they rebel? Are we not only stealing their innocence but also their creativity and potentially stifling their natural born gifts by forcibly directing them to activities that we as parents want them to engage in?

The remedy is a more malleable approach to parenting. It is documented that structure provides a great foundation for the development of children, but there must be unstructured time as well. Allowing kids to be kids. Encouraging them to use their own imagination, make their own choices and decisions (even if they are at times wrong) and handling the repercussions of those decisions.

[Read more]

Goal-Free Living Mind Map

A book reader in Australia, Marie Farrugia, developed a mind map outline of the book for use as an easy reference guide. Click here to download her handiwork. Thanks Marie.

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