Listening…Without Hearing

Last week I attended the National Speakers Association annual convention in Orlando, Florida along with 1,700 other professional speakers from around the world. When one is held captive with this many orators for an extended period of time, it becomes painfully apparent that speakers do indeed love to speak. A T-shirt for sale at the event captured this sentiment perfectly and read: “Help, I’m speaking and I can’t shut up.” Needless to say, by the end of the four days, I had exchanged more words with more people than I had shared in the previous three months combined.

With so many people milling about, most conversations were brief and fleeting. Even during the more intense discussions, it was difficult to avoid the urge of looking around at the other passer-bys. So many people. So little time.

However, there was one discussion that stood out from the numerous superficial conversations. I was intensely focused on what he was saying and he was even more focused on what I had to share. If people walked by, I never noticed. We hung on each others’ every word.

What was so special about this conversation? Nothing in particular. What was special was the person I was speaking with. His name is Stephen Hopson. Stephen is a professional speaker, author, and an airplane pilot. These accolades are impressive enough in and of themselves. But what makes Stephen truly remarkable is the fact that he is deaf… The world’s very first deaf instrumentation pilot.

Stephen has been deaf since birth and uses lip reading to communicate. While speaking with him, I was intensely aware that I could not look away. If I did, Stephen would be unable to understand what I was saying. As a result, I was always completely focused on him while speaking. I also enunciated my words more that usual. And given this level of attention while speaking, I ended up doing the same while listening (yes, he can speak quite well). I rarely interrupted.

It was interesting, but I noticed that my conversations with others seemed more intense after my discussion with Stephen. I listened to them more carefully and did not succumb to outside distractions. I gave each person my undivided attention and in doing so, I felt a greater connection to the person with whom I was speaking.

Goal-Free Living is about being present. And unfortunately most people are not present to most conversations. Try this experiment. During your next one-on-one conversation, assume the other person can only “hear” you by reading your lips. In doing this, I suspect that you will begin to hear things that you have never heard before. Ironic how I learned to listen from someone who can not hear.

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Slow Motion to Fast Forward Ratio

I recently saw the movie “Click” with Adam Sandler. Although it wasn’t a great movie, it did get me to think more about what happens when you make your life about goals.

Sandler’s character (Michael Newman) is given a remote control that allows him to control not his television, but his actual life. He can use the remote to fast forward his life past the parts he doesn’t like, rewind his life to re-live (but not change) past events, and he can run his life in slow motion.

It turns out that Newman’s favorite is the fast forward button. As I watch, he fast forwards past his morning commute and skips past arguments with his wife to the point in time where they make up. He fast forwards past any cold or illness straight to recovery, and skips through the tedious parts at work to get directly to his next promotion. I’m watching this thinking, “Cool. I could really use one of these gizmos.”

But there’s a catch.

When Newman arrives at the time of his promotion, he discovers he’s still not happy. So he fast forwards again. Next thing you know, his life is whizzing by him. Of course, there is the ONE scene in the movie where he uses the slow motion button – when driving past an attractive, scantily dressed woman, who is …well, ah, jogging.

So I am watching this, and I start to wonder how I would use that remote control.

Goal-Free Living is about being present. Savoring the moment. Having the life you want now. If you had a remote control like in the movie Click, how often would you hit the fast forward button? Run your life in slow motion? Or hit rewind, and relive your past?

According to my goalaholic survey of over 1,000 individuals, 61% of the population finds themselves saying, “I will be happy when…” Their happiness awaits them in the future. I wonder how many of these people, if given such a remote control, would use the fast forward button to get to that point when they think they will be happier.

How satisfied are you with your life? One measure of success might be your “slow motion to fast forward ratio.” How much of your day would you run in slow motion? 5 minutes? 1 hour? 3 hours? 24 hours? Never? How much of your day would want to fast forward past? 2 hours? 8 hours (your workday)? 24 hours (skip the day altogether)? The higher the ratio between slo mo and fast forward, the higher the satisfaction with your life. So what’s your ratio? What percentage of the time do you savor the moment versus how often do you want to fast forward your life? Increasing your ratio can be as simple as increasing your level of appreciation for your life the way it is now, rather than believing that it can only get better.

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Three Points I Wish I Made Clearer

Once printed, the text in a book never changes. However, the concepts continue to evolve. Therefore, from time to time, I will post my thoughts on how I would say things differently if I were to re-write the book today. Today’s points focus on the clarity of my message; thoughts that are sometimes lost on the reader. To help clarify the points, I am including links to other blog entries that show examples.

Being goal-free is very different than being goal-less. Goal-less is having no purpose or direction in life. Think of it as sitting on your butt eating bon-bons and watching Jerry Springer. This is NOT what it means to be goal-free. Being goal-free is having a sense of direction (not a specific destination), playing full out, and then “meandering with purpose.” Being goal-free does not mean being entirely free from goals. Rather it means being free from the burden of goals that grips so many people. It is about actively participating in life.

Although Goal-Free Living is about having the life you want, the real thrust of the book is success…with less effort. When you are consumed by your goals, you focus on the future rather than being present to what is around you. You become stressed. As a result, you don’t perform your best. All of my studies and examples show that people who “try harder” are often less successful in achieving their “goals.” Sales reps who try the “hard sale” are worse sales people (there are several examples in the book). Students who focus too much on grades get stressed and sub-optimize their test performance (and they miss bigger learning opportunities). Athletes who focus on the “numbers” (batting average, goals, the stop watch) often perform worse than those who are “in the moment”.

Goal-Free Living is not just about career. It is not about “doing what you love and the money will follow.” The goal-free concept applies to every aspect of life from dating to parenting, and vacations to blogging. By being focused on the present, enjoying what you are doing, and being open to new opportunities, success finds you…in all areas of life.

More “Points I Wish I Made Clearer” to come in future blog entries.

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Goal-Free Parenting

Here in the United States, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. In honor of our moms, today’s installment is about Goal-Free Parenting.

63% of adults say, “I encourage those that I care about to pursue goals that I think are best for them.” Whose life are your children living? One person I interviewed became wildly successful – and just recently emerged from rehab. His career was “chosen” by his parents, and destroyed his life. We are in an era plagued by the demise of imagination in children, squelching it to the detriment of emotional growth.

Kids today have quickly become the most over micromanaged population of our society. A tongue-in-cheek look into this potentially debilitating trend is the best-seller “The Nanny Diaries” where parents are enrolling not only unborn babies, but not yet conceived babies into “the best” pre-schools in Manhattan, French classes and art history courses. Thus ensuring their future place at Harvard and placement at Morgan Stanley.

The serious side of this parenting micromanagement is that children are being led through life, living someone else’s goals. Why is it that a 3 year old needs his/her own erasable easel with a weekly schedule that includes Yoga for tots and toddler therapy? At what point will they rebel? Are we not only stealing their innocence but also their creativity and potentially stifling their natural born gifts by forcibly directing them to activities that we as parents want them to engage in?

The remedy is a more malleable approach to parenting. It is documented that structure provides a great foundation for the development of children, but there must be unstructured time as well. Allowing kids to be kids. Encouraging them to use their own imagination, make their own choices and decisions (even if they are at times wrong) and handling the repercussions of those decisions.

[Read more]

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Goal-Free Living Mind Map

A book reader in Australia, Marie Farrugia, developed a mind map outline of the book for use as an easy reference guide. Click here to download her handiwork. Thanks Marie.

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