Not Wanting What You Want

Some will claim that a component to happiness and success involves detachment.  That is, not worrying about how things turn out.

But this is easier said than done!

People want what they want.  And the more you try to not want something, the more you focus on it.

How do you break this cycle?

While working on Goal-Free-Living, I discovered a useful way to become detached: Attach yourself to something of higher value.

That is, replace the “unhealthy” attachment with a “healthy” one.

For example, if you are in sales and really want to close the deal, you might come off as desperate or pushy.  This usually prevents you from getting what you want: the sale.  The solution? Attach yourself to serving customers rather than focusing on the sale.

Or, if you want to stop a bad habit, replace it with a healthier habit.  Every time I tried to kick my Diet Coke habit many years back (I drank as much as 5 liters a day back in the late 90′s), all I could think about was the vending machine near my desk.  When I chose to drink two liters of water a day (a healthy attachment), without worrying about how many cola’s I drank, my habit was immediately kicked.  Yes, I still had a can from time to time. But the obsession ended and I could focus on work rather than soda.

In the workplace, this can have profound results.

Doug Busch, former Chief Information Officer at Intel once told me, “The best things I have ever done in my career came shortly after I decided that the best thing that could happen to me is that they fire me.”

This is detachment in action. Detachment is not indifference. It is about acting with a commitment to the future while focusing on the present.  When not worried about “keeping his job” he could do his best work.  He no longer played it safe.

If you are in a job interview, remaining detached would mean listening carefully and answering honestly, without concern about the outcome. You will come across as more confident and authentic.  And then you can truly determine if they are right for you, rather than worrying if you are perfect for them.

If you are going to attach yourself to something else, make sure it is healthy.  Some people, to avoid conflict, will avoid it altogether creating more problems in the long run. For example, some people will “attach” themselves to work so that they don’t have to deal with domestic issues. This isn’t a healthy attachments; it is a distraction.

How can you tell if your attachments are healthy? Healthy attachments should:

• be present moment focused and not about achieving a future objective
• have you engage and interact with others
• (potentially) be in service of, or contributing to others
• increase the level of honesty in your interaction with others

In the book I quoted David Wood the (then) Vice Present of Sales for the Americas for the Bose Corporation. He said, “I’m personally satisfied at the end of the day if I made a difference for someone personally; if someone’s efforts were furthered along with my help. I have this intense desire to feel like I have made an investment in someone else and the company. I am not driven by money or status. I’m not even comfortable partaking in privileged company benefits. Rather, I am driven by contribution, what I do, and the value I add.” This is a very healthy attachment.  And it helped him be a successful leader.

How can you improve your life through the concept of detachment?

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My O-The Oprah Magazine Article

As readers of this blog know, back in November 2005, I was on the cover of O Magazine.  No, my face was not on the magazine. But an article talking about my Goal-Free Living philosophy was featured on the cover. The picture to the right is the actual cover from back then. You will notice an article titled, “What the Happiest People Know for Sure (page 87).”  That is my article.

And now, after over 6 years, the article is online for everyone to read.

Some of you may remember an article I wrote for the American Express OPEN Forum, the title of which implied being in O “hurt” my business.  Yes, I chose a very provocative title to stimulate interest and discussion, and I succeeded.  For quite some time it was the most commented and viewed article on the entire AMEX site.  It was controversial. And yet I am convinced that many people did not really read the article and immediately jumped to conclusions.  I made it VERY clear that being in O Magazine had nothing (or at least very little) to do with the downturn of my business over a half dozen years ago.

My good friend Jane Atkinson often says, “Pick a lane and stay there.”  That is, choose an area of expertise and stay hyper-focused on that.  At that point in my career, I was operating my business like a drunk driver: changing lanes and confusing my clients and prospects.  I was an innovation expert featured in The New York Times. And at the same time, I was writing about not having goals (my Goal-Free Living book) and was featured in Oprah’s magazine.  My corporate clients began to question my dedication to innovation and big business.  And my prospects were confused by my lack of focus.  As Jane also says, “A confused buyer never buys.”  And so my business suffered at that time – not because of a magazine article, but rather a lack of focus on my part.

I want to make it clear: I am SO proud of being featured in O-The Oprah Magazine.  And I am thrilled that my article, after all of these years, is now available for everyone to read.

Enjoy!

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My 2012 Themes Revealed

Anyone who follows this blog knows that the New Year is my favorite time for reflecting on the past and creating the future.

If you have not read my article on “Making Resolutions That Work,” please do so.  Or, if you prefer, you can read the variant of this article that appeared in the Wall Street Journal exactly one year ago today by clicking on the image.

The general premise is that instead of setting resolutions that are specific goals (e.g., lose 10 pounds), you want to create themes that help guide you and your decision making throughout the year.

After spending a week of reflection, I have settled upon three themes:

• More Money, Less Work, Greater Impact – This is my business theme.  In particular, I expect to create passive income revenue streams (i.e., make money in my sleep) through repurposing my content and levering channel partners.  By doing this, I can then focus my energies on activities that will have the greatest impact on business and society.
• Rituals – I usually joke that I lack discipline, so I considered that as my theme.  But “discipline” sounds so harsh and not something that inspires me.  Then it hit me.  While on vacation recently I had some rituals (e.g., reading an inspirational passage upon waking or drinking tea before going to sleep) that I loved.  I realized I could treat “the things I need to do” as rituals.  If I think of writing, calling clients, managing the books, and other tasks as rituals, maybe they will inspire me more.
• Perfect – This theme may seem a bit odd.  But when on vacation (reflecting on my theme for the year), I used the word “perfect” at least 100 times to describe the trip.  I realized that perfect is a state of mind.  When you declare things to be perfect, they are perfect.  How you see things gives you the reality.  Therefore, by declaration, 2012 will be “perfect.”

These themes get me excited about the New Year.  They also make activities that might have seemed tedious, more enjoyable (in particular the ritual theme).

What are your themes for 2012?

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Make 2012 the Best Year Ever

For many years now, I have thrown away the concept of the traditional New Year’s Resolution.  In its place I have used themes that guide me through the year.  These themes are not specific destinations or goals, but are rather guideposts that help me make smart decisions.  In using this approach, I become more “present moment” focused (goals are future-focused).  This increases my happiness.  And equally important, it allows for opportunities to emerge that might be hidden using a traditional goal-setting approach.

If you want to learn more about creating New Year’s Themes, be sure to read my popular article on “Making Resolutions That Work” (a variation of it appeared in the Wall Street Journal earlier this year).

You may also be interested in some fascinating statistics on New Year’s Resolutions.  It is truly amazing how unsuccessful people are with their New Year’s Resolution setting.

Happy New Year.  May 2012 be your best year ever!

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Balance of Work and Life is a Myth

Many years back, I led classes on Stephen Covey’s “Principle Centered Leadership” for Accenture’s managers. Over 75 percent of the attendees said that achieving balance in their life was their number one reason for taking the course. This is not surprising given the fast pace of life today. But what does balance mean?

Balance implies two opposing forces that reach equilibrium. This is not easy to do. Remember when you were a kid trying to balance with someone else on a seesaw? Either you were up or you were down. But rarely were you balanced. In life, either we are working hard or playing hard at any given moment. But we rarely are in balance. And when most refer to work/life balance being out of alignment, it is typically not because they are enjoying too much play and not enough work.

Maybe balance is not the solution. So what’s the alternative? Integration.

Find ways of integrating your work and personal life together. In doing this, you free up more time, you gain new interests, and your life becomes whole rather than piecemeal. One simple example is that of a professional speaker who loves golf. He now includes golf lessons as one of his client offerings. He gets to do what he loves while making money.

This concept applies to increasing time for relationships. Find ways of doing things together with your partner: Hobbies, interests, chores, or even work. A husband and wife I know never had time for one another. But when they learned about integration, they began to get actively involved in each other’s interests. He now takes cooking lessons with her, and she goes golfing with him. They created time by integrating their activities, enabling them to have more time for their individual pursuits.

How can you begin to integrate the pieces of your life?

First, look at what things interest you most. Next, ask how you can shift your daily schedule to embed these activities into what you do regularly. This will require some creative thinking. Finally, have the courage to ask for what you want.

Many years ago, I decided I wanted to be a professional speaker and an author. Instead of leaving the security of my consulting job, I decided to shift my responsibilities to include writing and speaking as part of my job. Unfortunately, this role did not exist. I needed to create a position that was of value to the organization—and then have the courage to ask for it and make it happen. I did and my idea grew into a 20,000-person organization. As part of my job, I wrote a book that was sold to 40,000 consultants and clients. I was giving as many as 100 speeches a year to tens of thousands of people. This eventually led to a book deal with a major publisher, which I used to launch my professional speaker career.

I know of a young couple that radically integrated their passions with work. Gary is a door-to-door salesman. While enjoyable for him, admittedly his job was not his passion. His passion is travel, and like most Americans, he squeezes this love into one, maybe two weeks over the course of a year.

One night, after a particularly difficult day on the job, Gary and his wife Deb, engaged in a conversation as to how he could create more passion within his career. It was unacceptable for them to wait for retirement or a windfall of money to land in their account. They wanted to live their dreams now, while they could.

Read the rest of this article on the American Express OPEN Forum

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