Against the Grain

Here is an email I just received from a reader that I thought I would share with you…

Hi Steve,

I really enjoyed your book.

I just thought I would share my story in case it has the potential to help other people. Over the years, I’ve learned that if there’s one thing that will rob me of any enthusiasm and motivation for any endeavor, it’s coming up with a measurable goal to achieve a result. This self-knowledge hasn’t stopped me from hitting my head against this particular wall countless times. Don’t 95% of all self-help books suggest writing down goals? And I read a lot of books.

But eventually the time would come when I’d realize that I’m actually hindering attaining the goal by trying to adhere to the timetable too strictly, and I would end up ripping up the 3 by 5 card, the Word document or sticky note. Destroying the words that came to represent a vice to me. I always felt freer and more motivated after I “forgot” the goal, and sometimes later, a lot later, I’d realize I achieved it without even trying! And I had a better time doing it.

The Q&A section of your book gave me a valuable insight into why goals have never worked out for me quite like I wanted them to. Your section on personality types led me to look up a personality test I took years ago, and just as I thought, I’m not a Judger but a Perceiver. It’s quite pronounced actually. All these years, I’ve tried to fit myself into a box of what success was supposed to look like. I remember the Yale study distinctly (Note: In the book I point out that a frequently quoted study on goal setting at Yale was an urban ledgend). How many goals did I write down after reading that story for the umpteenth time!

Anyway, I’m very grateful for your book because among other things it reinforced what I already know, but what I continue to struggle with – goals really don’t work for me. So the next time I’m tempted to write down a goal, I will think twice about it, remembering that there are other more fulfilling ways to approach life. That I can kick this addiction once and for all!

Thank you,
Caroline

Goal-Free Parenting

Here in the United States, Mother’s Day was this past Sunday. In honor of our moms, today’s installment is about Goal-Free Parenting.

63% of adults say, “I encourage those that I care about to pursue goals that I think are best for them.” Whose life are your children living? One person I interviewed became wildly successful – and just recently emerged from rehab. His career was “chosen” by his parents, and destroyed his life. We are in an era plagued by the demise of imagination in children, squelching it to the detriment of emotional growth.

Kids today have quickly become the most over micromanaged population of our society. A tongue-in-cheek look into this potentially debilitating trend is the best-seller “The Nanny Diaries” where parents are enrolling not only unborn babies, but not yet conceived babies into “the best” pre-schools in Manhattan, French classes and art history courses. Thus ensuring their future place at Harvard and placement at Morgan Stanley.

The serious side of this parenting micromanagement is that children are being led through life, living someone else’s goals. Why is it that a 3 year old needs his/her own erasable easel with a weekly schedule that includes Yoga for tots and toddler therapy? At what point will they rebel? Are we not only stealing their innocence but also their creativity and potentially stifling their natural born gifts by forcibly directing them to activities that we as parents want them to engage in?

The remedy is a more malleable approach to parenting. It is documented that structure provides a great foundation for the development of children, but there must be unstructured time as well. Allowing kids to be kids. Encouraging them to use their own imagination, make their own choices and decisions (even if they are at times wrong) and handling the repercussions of those decisions.

[Read more]

Goal-Free Living Mind Map

A book reader in Australia, Marie Farrugia, developed a mind map outline of the book for use as an easy reference guide. Click here to download her handiwork. Thanks Marie.

Quote of the Day – Abraham Lincoln

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

– Abraham Lincoln

Good Article in WSJ

There was an interesting article in last week’s Wall Street Journal. It discusses the concept of a mulligan — or “do-over” — in your career. Starting over fresh with something new. It addresses one of the big challenges: trusting that things will work out…however they work out.

Remember, Goal-Free Living is not about doing what you love. That’s a small part of it. You could easily pursue your dreams and turn those into goals, hence destroying the journey, stifling your creativity, and preventing true success.

Click here to read the article.

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