Comments on: Goal-Free Dating http://www.steveshapiro.com/2006/02/14/goal-free-dating/ Steve shares his unconventional approach on Business Innovation, Creativity, Goals and Critical Thinking Fri, 03 Feb 2012 17:12:05 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3 By: Lisa http://www.steveshapiro.com/2006/02/14/goal-free-dating/#comment-356 Lisa Tue, 04 Apr 2006 21:56:46 +0000 http://www.goalfree.com/?p=188#comment-356 Alex - you are SO right on! As someone who has been involved in a number of on-line dating sites in the past 2 years, I can vouch for many of the statements that you make. However, I would be one of the ones who would initiate contact with someone I was really interested in, as opposed to just "winking" at them and expecting them to contact me. That's so archaic. In a world where women want to be treated as equals and progress continues to be made in that area, many women forget that and revert back to the olden ways and days when we were expected to wait until contact was made with us. No wonder men are confused sometimes. Alex – you are SO right on! As someone who has been involved in a number of on-line dating sites in the past 2 years, I can vouch for many of the statements that you make.

However, I would be one of the ones who would initiate contact with someone I was really interested in, as opposed to just “winking” at them and expecting them to contact me. That’s so archaic.

In a world where women want to be treated as equals and progress continues to be made in that area, many women forget that and revert back to the olden ways and days when we were expected to wait until contact was made with us. No wonder men are confused sometimes.

]]> By: Rosario http://www.steveshapiro.com/2006/02/14/goal-free-dating/#comment-307 Rosario Thu, 16 Feb 2006 22:21:09 +0000 http://www.goalfree.com/?p=188#comment-307 I want to bring here in honor to sensuous Valentine the reflections on love from the wonderful Irish poet and philosopher John O'Donohue, who, despite being a former Catholic priest, is able to speak of sensuality and erotic love in an incomparable thrilling way. I love his words and the poetic way in which he communicates deep truths, both in writing and in lively and fun teaching events (information on his books and activities at http://www.jodonohue.com/). He draws from his Irish ancestry and the mystical knowledge embeded in the Celtic tradition to anchor friendship and love within the context of the Celtic concept of anam cara (anam=soul, cara=friend), the soul friend, or the person “to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life”. Although a soul friend can be any one we are able to relate in a deep way when risking to be known, this image applied to intimate love relationships is one I am especially fond of. This is love as erato, sensous love, and not agape, ethereal or fraternal love. He speaks of the hunger of the heart for love, ancient recognition and belonging, for a need to awaken hidden dimensions of destiny that the heart knows lie in the warmth of awaken love. For the legitimate desire of meeting someone with whom we do not merely engage in “relationship”, as he says, but with whom we find resonance as “an ancient circle closes” or “an ancient belonging awakens and discover itself”. So, although we may approach dates with an openness to live and enjoy the present moment, I think that it is not incompatible with acknowledging our deep longing for finding an intimate friendship where we can feel at home, understood and nourished. Being honest to the burning desire of our soul sounds to me that can deviate us from the risk of getting traped in the loop of what O'Donohue describes as “the superficial and functional lies and half-truths of social acquaintace”. Being generous to oneself, remaining still within, and confident of love finding us are some of the ways he suggests for kindly inviting an anam cara to enter our life. Also, praying for the grace of recognition, riches of feeling and sincere affection. Maintaining the flame, according to the tradition, is about nurturing the in-betweenes, so that there is a third one in the picture, the Holy Spirit that O'Donohue describes as the keeper of Eros or the perfume of desire. So, a delicate balance of closeness with distance, fired with creativity and imagination, is fundamental if we want to keep at bay the threat of overanalysing, or talking about the relationship instead of living the relationship. This is perhaps the aspect that relates to the stop-trying/doing and more being that Steve recommends (but including perhaps the nothingness that in itself is something between a couple, as allows it to breathe). This unusual former priest also speaks of intimacy, and the willingnes to be vulnerable to the possibility to be hurt, because as he says, “no one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love”. This requires great courage, although also great vigilance and care to not recreate barriers that we have created over past hursts, and to not carry around “the corpses of past relationships”. I think that this lightness and newness are very needed if we want to be present and open in the other person to the mistery that he or she is. And if we remain open and vulnerable in this way, why to hold a goal in mind of how the person suits or not our expected image of a perfect partner?. After all, if we could say to the anam cara we have encountered what the poet Pablo Neruda said to his love, “you are like nobody since I love you”, this would mean that the person always will reveal new facets under the tender care of a loving gaze, leaving our goals or pretensions soon obsolete. O'Donohue also tells that the human heart is never completely born, that it goes through an on-going process of deepening and discovery of new territories within. I imagine that the woman with 150 dates set on a journey to discover unknown territories within her heart, and this process took her to acknowledge new values, perceptions, and ability to see and recognise what she truly valued and looked for in another, as she states in the link that Alexander provides. In many cultures -Celtic is just one of them-, face and heart are related, the inner face being the heart that reveals through the uniqueness of a face. In the light of some of O'Donohue's words, such “love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow”, it seems that the dating woman found herself through a long process of encountering many faces who mirrored her many inner faces, in parallel with a self-forgetting conscious decision to surpase preconceptions of what might be or not be a suitable partner. I think that her dating agenda was imbuded with purpose and committment to herself, and that made the difference, independently of numbers or time spent in the search. For others with different soul needs, I am sure that the journey will unfold quite differently, maybe just in the levity of an instant, through the knocking of a strangely feisty heart that beats without control to the mere thought of an unexpected special someone. Then, imperfections do not seem suddenly so important, as we are even able to find beauty in our flaws and woundedness, as we come to find it in the other. I want to bring here in honor to sensuous Valentine the reflections on love from the wonderful Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue, who, despite being a former Catholic priest, is able to speak of sensuality and erotic love in an incomparable thrilling way. I love his words and the poetic way in which he communicates deep truths, both in writing and in lively and fun teaching events (information on his books and activities at http://www.jodonohue.com/).
He draws from his Irish ancestry and the mystical knowledge embeded in the Celtic tradition to anchor friendship and love within the context of the Celtic concept of anam cara (anam=soul, cara=friend), the soul friend, or the person “to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life”. Although a soul friend can be any one we are able to relate in a deep way when risking to be known, this image applied to intimate love relationships is one I am especially fond of. This is love as erato, sensous love, and not agape, ethereal or fraternal love.
He speaks of the hunger of the heart for love, ancient recognition and belonging, for a need to awaken hidden dimensions of destiny that the heart knows lie in the warmth of awaken love. For the legitimate desire of meeting someone with whom we do not merely engage in “relationship”, as he says, but with whom we find resonance as “an ancient circle closes” or “an ancient belonging awakens and discover itself”. So, although we may approach dates with an openness to live and enjoy the present moment, I think that it is not incompatible with acknowledging our deep longing for finding an intimate friendship where we can feel at home, understood and nourished. Being honest to the burning desire of our soul sounds to me that can deviate us from the risk of getting traped in the loop of what O’Donohue describes as “the superficial and functional lies and half-truths of social acquaintace”.
Being generous to oneself, remaining still within, and confident of love finding us are some of the ways he suggests for kindly inviting an anam cara to enter our life. Also, praying for the grace of recognition, riches of feeling and sincere affection. Maintaining the flame, according to the tradition, is about nurturing the in-betweenes, so that there is a third one in the picture, the Holy Spirit that O’Donohue describes as the keeper of Eros or the perfume of desire. So, a delicate balance of closeness with distance, fired with creativity and imagination, is fundamental if we want to keep at bay the threat of overanalysing, or talking about the relationship instead of living the relationship. This is perhaps the aspect that relates to the stop-trying/doing and more being that Steve recommends (but including perhaps the nothingness that in itself is something between a couple, as allows it to breathe).
This unusual former priest also speaks of intimacy, and the willingnes to be vulnerable to the possibility to be hurt, because as he says, “no one can hurt you as deeply as the one you love”. This requires great courage, although also great vigilance and care to not recreate barriers that we have created over past hursts, and to not carry around “the corpses of past relationships”. I think that this lightness and newness are very needed if we want to be present and open in the other person to the mistery that he or she is. And if we remain open and vulnerable in this way, why to hold a goal in mind of how the person suits or not our expected image of a perfect partner?. After all, if we could say to the anam cara we have encountered what the poet Pablo Neruda said to his love, “you are like nobody since I love you”, this would mean that the person always will reveal new facets under the tender care of a loving gaze, leaving our goals or pretensions soon obsolete.
O’Donohue also tells that the human heart is never completely born, that it goes through an on-going process of deepening and discovery of new territories within. I imagine that the woman with 150 dates set on a journey to discover unknown territories within her heart, and this process took her to acknowledge new values, perceptions, and ability to see and recognise what she truly valued and looked for in another, as she states in the link that Alexander provides. In many cultures -Celtic is just one of them-, face and heart are related, the inner face being the heart that reveals through the uniqueness of a face. In the light of some of O’Donohue’s words, such “love begins with paying attention to others, with an act of gracious self-forgetting. This is the condition in which we grow”, it seems that the dating woman found herself through a long process of encountering many faces who mirrored her many inner faces, in parallel with a self-forgetting conscious decision to surpase preconceptions of what might be or not be a suitable partner. I think that her dating agenda was imbuded with purpose and committment to herself, and that made the difference, independently of numbers or time spent in the search. For others with different soul needs, I am sure that the journey will unfold quite differently, maybe just in the levity of an instant, through the knocking of a strangely feisty heart that beats without control to the mere thought of an unexpected special someone. Then, imperfections do not seem suddenly so important, as we are even able to find beauty in our flaws and woundedness, as we come to find it in the other.

]]> By: Stephen Shapiro http://www.steveshapiro.com/2006/02/14/goal-free-dating/#comment-306 Stephen Shapiro Thu, 16 Feb 2006 16:25:07 +0000 http://www.goalfree.com/?p=188#comment-306 That's a great story! Thanks for sharing it. That’s a great story! Thanks for sharing it.

]]> By: Alexander Kjerulf http://www.steveshapiro.com/2006/02/14/goal-free-dating/#comment-305 Alexander Kjerulf Thu, 16 Feb 2006 09:00:28 +0000 http://www.goalfree.com/?p=188#comment-305 Great tips. Reminds me of a woman who took it one step further: n 1998, Maria Headley, decided that her dating standards were just a little too high and for a year, decided to say yes to anyone and everyone who asked her out. She accepted the invitations without regard to sex, race, age, income or ethic origin. A hundred and fifty dates later, she met and eventually married Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Robert Schenkkan, a man 25 years her senior, with two teenage children from a previous marriage. It was perhaps a match she might not have considered if not for this experiment and the resulting open-minded that led her to date everyone from a homeless man to millionaires and everything in between. Whole story here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10990388/ Great tips. Reminds me of a woman who took it one step further:

n 1998, Maria Headley, decided that her dating standards were just a little too high and for a year, decided to say yes to anyone and everyone who asked her out. She accepted the invitations without regard to sex, race, age, income or ethic origin.

A hundred and fifty dates later, she met and eventually married Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright Robert Schenkkan, a man 25 years her senior, with two teenage children from a previous marriage. It was perhaps a match she might not have considered if not for this experiment and the resulting open-minded that led her to date everyone from a homeless man to millionaires and everything in between.

Whole story here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10990388/

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